Is She Psycho?
Somehow, you were lucky enough to meet a girl who's witty, smart, and hot. She makes you smile and laughs at your jokes. She's adventurous, a little boyish and maybe even a bit of a geek. She's stunning in jeans and ravishing in a dress. She loves your quirks and strange habits. You love how her ears peek out from underneath her hair and how she’s insecure about it. She's perfect, and -- against all odds -- seems to love a schmuck like you.
Snap out of it man, you don't even know her that well yet. Before you pawn your most precious to please this woman, you may want to be sure she isn't a closet cuckoo. "But how?" you ask. Well, here are just a few of the red flags to look out for.
Some girls tease you relentlessly in front of your friends. That's fine. It's cute in the beginning, it really is. Some might go the extra mile to embarrass you with deeper, more personal things, without remorse. But you think, "nah, she didn't mean it like that..." until you wake up in the middle of the night curled up in the fetal position, sobbing uncontrollably.
Oh no you didn't!
How about one who doesn't care where she throws down with you? In fact, it's even better if people are watching when she creates a scene -- answer back and you're the douchebag. If an honest mistake like, say, spilling a bit of water on her blouse is met with overreaction, that may be cause for concern. It doesn’t even have to be you. Ever been with a girl who suddenly yells at random strangers because she thinks they looked her way? Awkward, and quite possibly psycho. Oh but if she speaks in tongues or rotates her head 360, that’s okay. She's just possessed, it’s not her fault.
Were you just talking to another girl?
A wise man once said, "Every woman has another woman at her job that she can’t stand." Now while that in itself isn't out of the ordinary, scale it up a bit and you might find that Chris Rock was onto something there. Does the mention of every other girl in your life cause your girl flashes of rage? Does she give you the death stare if you’re a gentleman to someone else? "Babe, you call your mom too much. I'm the only woman you need now." Ahem... psycho.
An even earlier sign may be if she doesn't have any other girl friends. What self-respecting pack-hunting woman doesn't have her own posse to powder her nose with in the comfort room? The kind other women actively avoid, that’s what. If that turns out to be true -- or, even worse, she prefers to hang out with exclusively male barkadas -- you’re gonna have a bad time. Better channel Jason Bourne and scan the room for all available exits.
So let's say she passes all of the above. After a couple of months together, inevitably, expectedly, the honeymoon phase will be over. That's not unfortunate; that's just reality. "But hey," you think, "at least I won't have to hold in those farts anymore." That’s uh, so mature of you, seeing the silver lining like that.
But what if you still do? What if your relationship never reaches that level of comfort? Now, every little thing you do results in a hissy fit and household items turning ballistic. Left the toilet seat up? You'd think a grown woman could expend a little energy to set it down without a fuss, but no, now its been two weeks since she’s let you get any.
The way you dress embarrasses me. Here’s your new wardrobe." Now you're her pet project, her personal block of moulding clay. She didn't really like your nervous ticks, your little idiosyncrasies. She knows she can change you; make you more… presentable. Cue psycho string music.
I am all the friend you will ever need
What did you say? Boys' night out? Oh, you’re not allowed to see them anymore. What, were you expecting her to share? Quite possibly the most sacred one of all, if things boil down to choosing between her and the dudes who've stood beside you all your life, you're almost certainly dating a psycho. Distract her with a sparkly pair of stilettos and make a run for it.
Of course, these signs are neither complete nor irrefutable. You still have to use your head (preferably the one on your shoulders); you've still got to learn to discern. Sometimes it's just a matter of compromise -- something no healthy relationship should be without. Maybe your mind just exaggerates what you deem unpleasant. But sometimes, just sometimes, these signs really are there and you’re letting them happen, fooling yourself that it’s okay, that she'll mellow out someday. In that case, my friend, consider that maybe YOU are the psycho.
BONUS: I'm mad at you. I dreamt that you cheated on me.
What? No, really. WHAT?!