More of Mr. Nice Guy: Winning the Girl without Being a Jerk
We hear it over and over: nice guys finish last. Most women say they want a nice guy, yet they usually end up dating bad boys; dare we say it, the douchebags that don't deserve them.
Many of us are the nice guys. We've experienced rejection. We've experienced losing the girl to another man who we obviously think she doesn't deserve. We've seen our female friends, or our exes, crying their hearts out because their bad boyfriends didn't treat them right.
These have probably led you to believe that you have to be a complete player; that you have to ditch your Ted Mosby attitude and channel your inner Barney Stinson; that you have to play games and treat her in a not-so-good way just to win her over.
Guess what happens when you do that, though? You can't make it work either. It's not because you're not awesome; it's because you're not sincere. Most women can read right through you, and boy, can she smell your fakeness from a mile away.
So what do you do? Do the right thing. Be yourself and follow these bro tips and teachings:
Be Great, Not Necessarily Just Nice
We haven't exactly figured out the inner workings of a woman's mind, but we're pretty confident they don't really want the nice guy. They might always say they're looking for a nice guy, but what they're actually looking for is a great guy. Someone with principles. Someone who not just understands and respects himself, but also one who can make decisions on his own.
Be a man who can stand on his own two feet and won't back down just because you're attracted to her. Most women don't like weakness, which is probably why they often date the jerks.
Be the guy who can lead the relationship, the one that decides whether to pursue a girl or not; not the nice guy who tries to conform to every whims and fancies of the girl. You don't want to put yourself in the beggar's role. Nice guys end up being the beggars in the relationship. Great guys are catches.
Chivalry, Gallantry, and Charm Will Always Be Great Weapons
Many of your friends probably gave you "surefire tips" on how to win over the ladies, and it probably involved being a jerk toward the lady you're attracted to. Essentially, they want you to play it cool and wait for her to make the first move.
This indifference, however, is more in the style of the bad boys. While there's a time and place for being a man's man, the rule of thumb is that the ladies will always adore respect and charm.
The problem with "playing it cool" is it borders on neglect and indifference. It's a "play" only the most skilled pickup artists can pull off.
Also, the suggestion that women somehow respond positively to light abuse is often incorrect, and downright insulting to the ladies. Perfectly timed, subtle gestures and compliments will always be the best ways to move forward.
Remember the Give-and-Take Principle
Winning over the girl isn't always about making her the center of your universe. Continually showering her with gifts and affection may seem like a good idea, but she could end up feeling suffocated.
Think Popoy and Basha from One More Chance. Give-and-take - that's what relationships are about.
Pay attention to her without being too suffocating or overbearing. If she needs some time alone, graciously give it to her without giving meaning to it. If she tells you about a special date, remember it. If she's had a rough day or week in the office, understand that sometimes, a romantic dinner won't help; maybe she just wants to go home, stay in, rest, and enjoy her favorite movies or TV shows with you. Sometimes you just have to let her indulge in the chicken skin, you know?
Most guys will complain: "What else does she want? I give her flowers and chocolates every week!" Then you go on concluding that maybe the nice guys do finish last, all the while failing to realize that the default gifts and generic but often meaningless expressions of concerns like "How are you?" aren't synonymous with respect.
Some Final Thoughts:
Whoever said "good guys finish last" has obviously never truly understood the concept of "slow and steady wins the race."
Good guys are in it to win it. You strive for the prize and won't let anything get in your way. While there will be obstacles, you won't give up, or cast blame. You own your story.
Good guys finish last, but only when it comes to the proverbial 100-meter sprint to getting the most dates. In the marathon to winning the girl, however, these slow and steady people often end up winning it all.